


Not Forgotten

by TheTurtleFromHell



Category: Castlevania (Cartoon), 悪魔城ドラキュラ | Castlevania Series
Genre: Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Multi, Post S2, Secrets, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 10:48:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16973172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTurtleFromHell/pseuds/TheTurtleFromHell
Summary: Grief changes shape, but it never ends.





	Not Forgotten

Alucard sighed as the sunlight hits his face, sitting up and rubbing at his face. There was a slight chill in the air, the fire having gone out some time in the night, and a heaviness in his chest, and all it does is make Alucard want to go back to sleep. He can’t even curl himself up in the blankets, for the slightest shifting of his body causes him to touch a part of the bed unwarmed by his body.   
  
So all he does is lie still and gaze at the ceiling, bits and pieces of his thoughts trying to come together in the fog that is his mind at six in the morning. He shuts his eyes tightly, trying to will himself to get out of bed.

Before giving up and just laying there for the time being.   
The sounds of giggles from down the hall is just the distraction he needs. 

Smiling, he shuts his eyes and turns over just as the door creaks open. Gentle footsteps come up to the side of the bed before stopping.

 

“Wake up, lazy bones.” an annoyed voice says, before a pillow is smacked over his face.   
Laughing, Alucard sits up, throwing the pillow back at the girl, “A good morning to you too, Sonia.”

She rolls her eyes, “Mother says it’s time for breakfast, Uncle. If you’re not in the kitchen in one minute, I’m eating your share.” she says, throwing the pillow to the ground and walking out, her walnut curls bouncing lightly.

“How cruel.” he hums, tossing the blankets aside as he stands and makes his way to the kitchen.

 

Mother and daughter sit next to each other, laughing about who knows what (probably a dirty joke). They look so alike, except for Sonia’s brunette hair and broad nose. Alucard takes his seat, earning a glance from Sypha.

“Took you long enough.” she says. She still keeps her hair short, but has traded her robes for something more practical, a tunic and trousers, the muscles she developed from upkeeping a house pressing against the fabric in some places (though she still wears her Speaker pin proudly).

“Forgive me, I was very comfortable.” he says, picking up a piece of bread and taking a bite, “Where’s Trevor?”

“He’s still in bed. That stomach bug took an awful toll on him, so I’m letting him sleep it off.” she explains, standing and bringing her and her daughter’s dishes to the sink, “Sonia and I are going to go to Gresit.”

“Gresit?” Alucard blinks.

“There’s a demon hoard that’s settled down nearby.” Sonia stands up, “And we’re going to go take care of it.” she states proudly as she heads off to her room, presumably to prepare for the journey.

“We shouldn’t be more than a week.” Sypha says as she turns on the faucet, “I told Trevor we were leaving last night. Think you’ll be able to handle taking care of him?”

“Sypha, I’m almost offended you’re questioning my abilities!” Alucard gasps, feigning hurt, “I thought you had more faith in me than that after all these years!”

Sypha rolls her eyes, smacking the back of his head with a rag, “Alright drama queen, you’ve made your point.” she chuckles, “Now finish up, we have a lot to get done.”

  
  
  


Alucard drops the trunk onto the back of the cart a little harder than he intended, causing the entire thing to bounce and nearly spook the horses. Luckily Sonia is there to pet their manes and shush them.

“All set.” Alucard announces, brushing the dirt from his hands, “Be safe you two.”

“And to you as well.” Sypha smiles, hugging him tightly, “You know how much trouble he can be.”

“I’m all to aware.” he pats her back, breaking the hug to look to Sonia, “Don’t pester your mother too much. I’d hate to have to treat her for a coronary.”

“Sure thing, fangs.” she laughs, giving a thumbs up, “Mother, can I hold the reins? You’ve said I’ve gotten better, please?”

Sypha sighs, putting a hand to her head, “And so it begins…” she mutters as she walks to the seat, climbing on and handing her daughter the reins.

“Safe travels!” Alucard shouts after them, waving goodbye and continuing to do so until they disappear over the horizon.

He watches for a moment, before heading back inside.

  
  
  


After dusting all the furniture (despite there only being a thin layer) and mopping the floors, he finds himself with nothing left to do. He puffs his cheeks and flops onto the couch, humming as he thinks. Perhaps he can go down to the hold and pull out some more books to look through... Just then, he hears footsteps coming down the hall. He smiles as he turns, looking at the boy, no older than five years old, with brown hair all tangled in a bird’s nest, rubbing at his bright blue eyes and yawning.

“Good morning, Trevor.” he smiles.

 

* * *

 

_ “Good morning, Trevor.” he greets, leaning against the doorframe and watching the Belmont as he weeds the garden. _

_ “Good afternoon.” Trevor replies, “Were you planning on sleeping for another year?” _

_ “No, I simply stayed up late translating some texts.” he says, turning towards the sounds of giggles and excited squealing to see Sonia, climbing to the top of a gnarled and twisted tree, “Hello, Sonia.” _

_ “I’m not Sonia!” the little girl declared, raising a stick to the sky, “I’m Grant Danasty, the greatest pirate of all!” _

_ Alucard chuckles, looking back to Trevor, “She is indeed your daughter.” _

_ “Never any doubt.” Trevor agrees. _

_ “Trevor have you seen- Oh, you’re up.” Sypha smiles as she steps into the mudroom, stomach swollen with child, “‘Bout time.” _

_ “You two are so judgemental.” Alucard scoffs like a teenage girl getting scolded for staying out past curfew, glancing down at her stomach, “How are you feeling?” _

_ “Well, I can’t stop peeing, my back hurts, and my feet are so big I now have to wear my husband’s shoes, but it’s going alright.” she sighs, rubbing her stomach. _

_ “Only one more month.” Trevor reminds her, walking over to her and placing his filthy hand over hers. _

_ Alucard smiles as they kiss and tenderly embrace. With Sonia’s laughter filling the air, and the sun shining brightly, everything seemed so… _

_ Perfect. _

 

* * *

 

“There we are.” Alucard smiled as he put down the brush, “Nothing like getting clean and fresh to make you feel better, right?”

“Yup.” Trevor agrees, busying himself with arranging a tower of blocks instead of finishing his breakfast. Just as sure as the sky was blue and the sun always rises, Trevor always became a bit more testy the day after his mother left to go somewhere.

Alucard smiled and watched, deep in thought…

 

He had never wondered what Trevor had looked like when he was a child, but now, he knew. Now he just wondered if this was the same way Trevor had acted, before the world made him grow up much too quickly.

 

“Can I go now?” Trevor ask, looking up with puppy dog eyes.

“Of course.” Alucard nods, “Right after you finish your Mămăligă.”

Trevor groans in protest, picking up his fork and poking the porridge around his plate.

 

“Come now.” Alucard says, walking to the other side of the table and sitting down, “You need to eat healthy to be a big, strong hunter, you know.”

Trevor looks up at him, throwing a suspicious glare at the dhampir.

“... or, you can not eat it, but one day, while you’re fighting demons out in the countryside, your body might start to get tired, and you’ll be thinking,” he tosses his head back, placing one hand on his forehead and the other on his chest as he cries out, “‘Oh! Woe is me! If only I had listened to my wise uncle and finished my Mămăligă!’”

Trevor smiles, starting to giggle at the dramatic performance. He laughs in the contagious way young children do, and even Alucard chuckles a bit at his own antics.

 

“How about a deal?” he offers, “You finish eating, and I’ll take you down to the creek to play.”

 

Trevor’s eyes lit up at the proposal. 

 

* * *

 

_ Trevor’s eyes widened at the sound of shrill, animalistic screams in the distance.  _

_ “Sonia!” Trevor shouted, dropping his hoe and running to the tree, “Get down! Now!” _

_ She froze, clinging to the tree as she stared in the direction of the wails of the demons. Trevor took it upon himself to scale the tree, grabbing his daughter and tossing her over his shoulder, dropping to the ground with a loud “Oof!” _

 

_ Alucard had already been inside, grabbing his sword, coat, and the Morningstar. _

_ “Stay inside.” he heard Trevor tell his wife and child, their footsteps echoing in the other room, “I’ll be back soon.” _

_ “Be careful, Trevor.” Sypha told him, “Don’t cause too much trouble.” _

_ Trevor laughs softly, and there’s the sound of a brief kiss, “Sonia, behave. Do what your mother says.” _

 

_ Alucard looks up as Trevor walks in, strapping his sword and scabbard to his side, “Ready?” he asks, grabbing the whip from him. _

_ “Let’s go.” Alucard replies, and with that, they run outside, mounting their horses and heading into battle. _

 

* * *

 

It’s been two days since Sypha and Sonia had set out, and Alucard vaguely wonders if they are currently fighting demons, or if they are looking at the night sky like he is now, squinting at the darkness in between the stars. 

He wonders if there’s anything between the space, something he can’t yet see with the telescope in the castle.

He remembers, once, stargazing with his father one night. He had said that space was infinite, compared it to a blanket with no edges or corners. Alucard remembers staring at his own blanket that night, struggling to imagine one so large and so vast. The realization that he was but a piece of lint on a giant blanket made him feel so small, so… insignificant.

 

A loud snore catches his attention, and he looks down at Trevor, who sleeps away in his lap, exhausted from another long day of playing.

 

And suddenly, Alucard doesn’t feel so small anymore.

 

He gently pets through cocoa hair, before carefully slipping his arms under the boy’s limp form and lifts him up, grunting as he does.

Though it’s no trouble to him at all, Trevor is certainly growing heavy.

 

* * *

 

_ His sword is becoming heavy in his hands, the sour taste of demon blood filling his mouth as he continues forward, slashing through raven fur and dodging snaps of teeth and swipes of claws.  _

_ He kept glancing between the demons and the bodies strewn about the streets, trying to see which were alive, if they would be able to stay alive long enough for him to finish battling so he could tend to their wounds without having to worry about an attack from behind. _

 

_ “Alucard, to the left!” _

_ “Alright!” he responded, leaping out of the way in time for the tip of the Morningstar to whistle past his head as it hit its target, chunks of smoking flesh exploding and splattering onto cobblestone and alley walls. _

_ They worked in perfect harmony, like partners in a deadly dance. The other demons suddenly looked up, whipping around and heading straight back into the forests. To an untrained eye, this would mean victory, but to Alucard and Trevor, it could only mean one thing. _

 

_ There was a bigger fish in the water now. _

 

_ There had been an absolute giant of a hellbeast, drooling with rage, but intelligent to keep to the rooftops, away from their current reach. How on Earth they missed it, Alucard could only guess, but he had no time for guessing when the beast leapt to the ground, shaking the earth with it’s impact hard enough to make both men lose their footing. _

 

_ Trevor scrambled to his feet, trying to run, to get enough momentum for the whip, but the beast kept following his moves, trying to corner rather than chase. _

_ Alucard leapt through the air, transforming into a wolf, and biting, locking his jaw around foul flesh. _

_ The demon screamed and reared up, trying to buck the wolf off of him. Alucard clenched his jaws harder, his own voice echoing “Don’t let go” in his head. _

 

_ Suddenly, he feels the flesh tearing in his teeth, and is only allowed a brief moment of panic before he’s thrown off and through the wall of some poor citizen’s home. His ears are ringing, pins and needles throughout his entire body as he changes back, hoping some of the pain will go away along with the wolf form. There’s blood dripping from somewhere, staining and spreading through fabric, but he can deal with that later. _

 

_ Heading back into the hot, humid air, he sees Trevor, running circles around the beast, winding the chains around the beast’s feet. The creature screams and swats at him, it’s own spinning only aiding the Belmont further. _

_ Calling his sword to his side, Alucard wraps his fingers around the handle, running as fast as his aching legs can carry him. He needs to time this right. There’s no room for any more errors. _

 

_ Just as he hoped, the beast turned again, facing his direction. Alucard leapt into the air, grabbing onto the hilt with his other hand and letting out a war cry. _

_ Trevor looked up at him, smiling as he watched Alucard drive his sword through the creature’s thick skull… _

 

_ And seeing the claws of it’s falling hands just a moment too late. _

 

_ “Trevor!” _

 

* * *

 

“Trevor!” Alucard calls, baffled as to where he could of ran off to.

Just a moment ago the boy had been sitting by his side, excited for another outing to the creek. When Alucard looked away to strap on his boots, it was as if he had vanished into thin air.

 

Sighing, Alucard paused, making a mental checklist of all the places he had checked.

The bedrooms all turned up nothing, as well as the living room, dining room, and kitchen. That left the shed and the study as the last two possibilities.

 

Cracking open the door and peeking inside, Alucard smiled to see Trevor on the floor, surrounded by books as he turned through the one in his lap.

Careful not to make a sound, he opens the door all the way and steps inside, inching his way closer.

 

“What are you doing, Trevor?” he asks after a moment of careful observation. 

Trevor yelps, jumping in surprise and slamming the book shut, “Nothing!”

Alucard chuckles, kneeling down, “Nothing? My, what an odd thing to be doing.”

Trevor seems to think for a moment, before opening the book back up and tilting it for Alucard to see.

“Ah, the Family Tree.” Alucard says. It was one of many books detailing the life of each and every Belmont, a record of their lives, both as hunters and as nobles.

“I was looking for Papa.” Trevor says plainly.

 

And Alucard feels his heart drop.

 

Trevor must see how taken aback he is, for he continues without prompting, “I wanted to see Papa, but he’s not in here.” he explains, with a bit of disappointment in his voice, “He’s not in the other books either. I looked.”

“No… he’s not...” Alucard shakes his head, struggling to find words. 

It doesn’t seem like any are needed, for Trevor simply shuts the book and places it on top of the pile, “Are we still going to the creek?”

“Yes, of course.” he ruffles Trevor’s hair and smiles.

 

However, the entire way there, Alucard’s thoughts are stuck on the family tree. It felt… wrong, that Trevor, the man, wasn’t in there, like a slap to the dead man’s face. He and Sypha had discussed it, of course, shortly after the service, but the grief was too fresh to sit and plan everything out, so they hadn’t done it. It came up in conversations a few times after, but daily life had taken their focus elsewhere, and… they just hadn’t revisited it since.

 

And Alucard knew firsthand what happens when one puts precious things aside for later.

 

Just as he decided that he was going to take care of things, a sharp cry tore him from his thoughts.

“Trevor!” Alucard gasps, running into the creek to where Trevor sat in the running water, wailing at the top of his lungs. He lifted him up, shushing him and rocking him gently as he looks down at the injury.

 

It’s just a small cut, slightly above the ankle, but the way the water dilutes the blood makes it look like it’s much worse than it is.

 

* * *

 

_ There’s so much blood. Even as the corpse blocks his view, he knows Trevor’s been gravely hurt. _

_ ‘Human blood has an earthy scent to it, while demon blood is more smoky, like fire.’ he remembers telling Sypha one day, as he climbs over the body, jumping to the ground and practically throwing himself on his knees at Trevor’s side. _

 

_ Trevor pupils have gone pinprick as he tremors, shock setting in as coughs on his own blood, causing it to spray like a fountain from his mouth. His hands shake violently, half-raised in the air as if grasping for something, anything as he keeps trying to sit up, to look at his injury, for he hasn’t seemed to yet notice his intestines spilling from his abdomen like unraveling yarn. _

 

_ “Trevor!” he immediately grabs and pulls Trevor’s head onto his lap to prevent him from choking to death on his own blood, and also to stop him from looking, “Trevor, can you hear me?” _

_ Trevor looks up at him, eyes begging for help. The look of impending death in a human’s eyes is haunting, even more so when it comes from a loved one. _

_ “Trevor…” he swallows, thinking hard, “I… I’m going to fix this, okay?” _

_ Yes, he could fix this. He’s saved people on the verge of death before, how is this any different? _

_ “Al… Alu… card…” Trevor wheezes, nearly gurgling on blood. _

_ “It’s going to be okay!” Alucard says louder than he meant to. If he could just find a way to move Trevor back to the house without worsening the wound, then- _

_ “Ple-Please… Alucard…” _

_ “Stop talking, please.” he needs a cart, or a wagon, anything, just- _

_ “A-Alucard…” he winces as he throws his bloodied hand onto Alucard’s collar, pulling hard, “Listen, ple-please…” his voice trembles, sounds frantic. _

_ He grabs his hand, squeezing reassuringly, “Trevor, stop! I’m going to-” _

_ “Please…” _

_ “Trevor, just let me think!” _

_ “Just listen-” _

_ “No! You’re not dying!” _

_ “I-” _

_ “Stop it!” _

_ “Adrian! I-” _

 

* * *

 

“What’s this?” Trevor asks, looking curiously at the supplies Alucard laid out.

“I’m going to add your father to the books.” he explains as he sits, “And I want you to help me.”

“Me?” he points to himself, a mix of confusion and excitement on his face, “What am I gonna do?”

“You’ll see.” he says as he picks up a charcoal stick, “... You know, you look a lot like him.”

Trevor nods, “Mama says.”

Sypha had made absolutely sure that Trevor was a figure in his son’s life, even if he couldn’t be there. She told stories ranging from epic battles to mundane life, trying to paint a picture of the father he never got to meet.

And Alucard was going to help by painting his own picture.

 

“Let’s start with the face, shall we?”Alucard says as he makes the first line, “Your father had sort of an… almond face, with a strong jaw.” he begins. Trevor hops off of his chair, scooting it to the other side and climbing back on for a better look.

“He always had this stubble.” he continues as he makes short, hatching lines along the jaw, “No matter how much he shaved, he always had it. His ears were pretty broad, mostly hidden by his hair.”

“Like mine!” Trevor smiles proudly, picking at the bandage around his ankle.

“Yes, like yours.” Alucard chuckles, creating sweeping, flowing lines, “Let’s see… what could I be forgetting?”

“A nose!” Trevor giggles.

“Ah, that’s right.” he pats his head, “He had a smooth, wide nose. Now, he always had a bad habit of chewing his lip.”

Trevor gives him a questioning look, “Chewing?”

“Yes. Like this.” he pauses his drawing to demonstrate, “His lips were always so chapped from the elements as well. Sometimes, he’s use his teeth to pick at the skin on his lips, and he’d end up drawing some blood.”

“Why would he do that?”

“Bad habit. Like biting nails.” Alucard explains, not failing to see how Trevor suddenly twists his hands in his shirt, to hide said nails, “And his eyes…”

 

Trevor stares at the drawing, trying to take in every detail when he notices Alucard’s hand has stilled, “Uncle?” he looks up at him to see what made him stop.

 

Alucard glances at him, taking a deep breath, “His eyes… I could never tell if they were grey or blue.” he swallows as he starts moving the charcoal across the paper again, “When he was happy, they looked blue like the sky. Other times, especially when he was thinking or something of the sort, they looked like a cloudy sky.”

“What color are my eyes?” Trevor asks.

Alucard looks back to him, regarding them for a moment before answering, “Blue.”

Trevor hums in thought, watching as Alucard finishes adding eyelashes, “Do you think they could change?”

“Perhaps.” Alucard shrugs, looking over his work.

“Is it done?” Trevor nearly stands on the chair, leaning in front of him for a better look.

“One last thing.” Alucard says, gently pushing him back down, “He had a scar.”

“A scar? Like Mama’s?” referencing the four long scars on his mother’s arm.

“Yes, like hers.” he draws two curved lines, meeting at points above and below the eye, “But it was over his left eye.”

“How’d he get it?”

It’s an innocent enough question, but it fills Alucard with a chill, a heavy knot in his gut.

“... a fight.” he says. It’s truth enough for the time being.

  
  
  


Sypha sighs as she hops off the cart, cracking her back and watching as Sonia runs ahead, “Home, sweet home.” she sighs to herself, deciding see can unpack later and rest up for now.

The demon horde hadn’t been much trouble. Honestly, it was traveling that had been so taxing and late nights spent keeping watch and driving the cart. She can’t help but wonder how her grandfather managed to do it for so many years.

 

“Mama!” her beloved son cries, practically charging into her legs and almost knocking her to the ground.

“Hello, my little bear!” she grabs and lifts him high into the air, delighting in his squeals and giggles, “Were you well behaved for Uncle Alucard?”

Trevor nods happily, looking back at Alucard as he walked in the room, graceful as always, “Have a nice trip?”

“Yes, it was a wonderful vacation.” Sypha kids, “I’d like very much to sleep for the next three days if it’s alright with the two of you.”

“Noooo!” Trevor whines, at the same time Alucard laughs, “Well, go join Sonia. She just passed out on the bed.”

Sypha tuts, “And she insisted she could take the reins on the way here.”

 

“Mama, Mama!” Trevor shouts, as if suddenly remembering something, “Guess what? We have a surprise!”

“A surprise?” she gasps dramatically, “Why, I love surprises!”

Alucard’s smile lessens just a bit, much to Sypha’s confusion, “Trevor, perhaps we should let your mother rest before showing her our surprise.”

“Oh, so you both had a hand in this surprise?” she sing-songs, “My interest is officially piqued.”

“Come on, Uncle, you said we could show her as soon as she got back!” Trevor pouts.

“Those were not my words.” Alucard argues, but nonetheless heads into the study, “I’ll be right back.”

 

Sypha sits on the couch, sighing in relief as tension melts from her shoulders, relaxing into the soft cushions. Trevor moves off of her lap and beside her, bouncing with excitement.

 

“Alright, here it is.” Alucard announces as he walks back in, placing a book in Sypha’s hands.

She quints at it, taking a moment to recognize the cover, “...The Family Tree?” she opens to the chapter index, “What is this abo-”

Her eyes widen as she sees the name at the bottom, written in fresh ink, “Oh…”

Alucard sits next to her, placing a hand on her shoulder. With a hesitating hand, she opens to the newly added pages, covering her mouth with her hand as she nearly cries out, “Oh my God, Trevor…”

Ever so gently, she runs her fingers over the illustration of her husband’s face, colored and captured in perfect detail as he looks with a head half turned to the viewer with a hint of a smile on his lips, as if expecting to feel his warmth once more.

 

“I thought you would like to be the one to tell the story of his life.” Alucard says, motioning to the blank pages, “It is your specialty, after all. Besides… I’ve never been good with words.”

 

Sypha chokes on sob as she presses her face into his shoulder, her small whimpers muffled in his clothes.

“Mama?” Trevor worries, looking very troubled by his mother’s reaction, “Do you… do you hate it?”

“No.” she straightens back up, taking deep breaths and trying to stop her tears, “I love it, Trevor. I love it so much.” she assures as she gathers him into her arms, hugging him tightly, “Thank you…” she murmurs, as Alucard joins the tender embrace, “Thank you both…”

  
  
  


“Is Trevor asleep?” Sypha inquires, pouring herself another glass of wine.

“Out cold.” Alucard answers as he sits across from her, “You should be in bed yourself, little missy.”

“Up yours.” she flips him off as she throws back her wine, though there’s no bite to her words. The book still sits in front of her, still opened on that certain page.

 

They sit in silence for a bit, simply taking in the moment, before Sypha pipes up, “I can’t believe it took us five years to start this… well, not us. You started it.”

“It was Trevor who prompted it.” Alucard says, grabbing a glass for himself and holding it out, “He was trying to find his father in there.”

Sypha fills his glass, sighing as if disappointed in herself, “Hard to believe it’s been so long…”

Alucard takes a sip, “Since Trevor died, or since Trevor was born?”

“God, it’s confusing when their names come up in the same sentence…” she laughs, rubbing at her tired eyes, “I hadn’t thought about that when I named him.”

“No, you hadn’t.” he agrees, “You were telling everyone how you wanted to honor your husband, pass on the gift of his name to your son.”

“Names are powerful.” she says as she circles her finger around the rim of the glass, “Though everyone says I was selfish in doing that, that I was just trying to pretend he was somehow alive.”

“Tell everyone they can fuck off.” Alucard responds, finishing the rest of his glass in one gulp.

She cocks a brow“What makes you think I didn’t tell them that?”

This time Alucard grabs the bottle for himself, watching as the crimson liquid falls and swirls around the glass, “... Do you remember the day Trevor… passed?”

“How could I forget?” she leans back, staring at the ceiling, “I think about every time I wake up and he’s not there…”

 

“... I’m sorry.” he whispers, almost too quietly to hear. 

Sypha looks up, “I thought we went over this. It wasn’t your fault.”

“No, I-”

“Nobody blames you.” she sits up again, crossing her arms on the table and leaning forward, “Do I have to drill it into your head again?”

“No, I know it wasn’t my fault now. It was just… an awful series of circumstances that took him from us.” he swallows hard, “But… there’s something else.” the words tumble out of his mouth, almost merging together.

Sypha stares at him incredulously, “What?”

“I should have…” he sighs, putting his head in his hands, “I should have told you sooner, and-and I meant to-” he flinches as he feels calloused, warm fingers touch his wrist.

“Let’s talk about this outside.”

  
  
  


The rocking of the porch swing doesn’t help the nauseous feeling in his insides, but he doesn’t ask for it to stop. He doesn’t think it would help.

There’s tension in the air now, thick as the Mămăligă from a few days ago.

“So…” Sypha says, adding to the pressure, “What were you saying?”

“Sypha…” he starts, “I… do you…” Alucard grumbles, frustrated with himself and his struggle for words, “Remember when I told you? How he died, I mean?”

She shuts her eyes tightly, as if the pain of the memory still stabs at her heart, “Yes, I do.”

“I…” he fists his hands in his shirt, nearly clutching at his stomach, “I didn’t… I left out part of the story.”

The look of shock on Sypha’s face is crystal-clear and unmistakable. There’s so much emotion in her eyes that he can’t discern what emotions they are.

His eyes become wet, but he continues, even with the tightness in his throat, the way he feels like he’ll choke on each word, “I.. He was laying there… he was dying, Sypha, but I didn’t want to… I kept thinking I could... I could-could-could-”

“Alucard.” Sypha grabs him by the shoulders, pulling him close and rubbing his back, “Take your time, it’s okay.”

He takes a deep shuddering breath, warm tears dripping onto his lap, “He was… trying to talk to me… and I… I told him to shut up…”

“...What?” she blinks.

Alucard can feel himself falling apart, like his insides are tearing themselves to shreds, “I-I told a dying man to shut up Sypha… he was telling me his last words, and I told him to shut up…” he whispers as if in a confessional, as if he’s not telling his best friend a long-held secret about her husband’s (and his other best friend’s) death.

 

He expected everything to go to Hell after that.

To be yelled at, slapped across the face, perhaps even disowned and told to never come back, and he would have taken it. He deserved it.

 

What he didn’t expect was a tight, comforting embrace.

 

It catches him so off guard that everything just comes out, all of the tears and cries he kept hidden deep inside flooding forward, and there’s nothing pretty about it. It’s ugly, and messy, and he hates the way it makes him feel.

 

But with Sypha shushing and rocking him gently, he hates it just a little less.

 

“Alucard…” she says after a long while, after the wails have quieted down into sniffles, “Trevor was… he was a strong, stubborn man.”

“I’m sorry…” Alucard whimpers, because truly it’s all he can say. He’s sorry for not telling her, for not letting Trevor speak and give her his message, for not being able to save him.

“I think,” her voice cracks, the edge of tears in it, “I think if it was truly something important… he would have said it.”

Alucard tenses, “You’re just saying that.” he protests.

Sypha gives a slightly annoyed sigh before grabbing his chin and making him look at her, “In all the years that you knew Trevor, did he ever shut up if he had something to say?”

 

Alucard stares up at her as if she had just revealed one of the secrets of life to him.

 

“Trevor never hesitated to speak his mind, or cared for others telling him what do do. What makes you think that would change in his final moments?”

 

He considers her words for a moment, trying to come up with a counterpoint, as if he wants to prove to her that he’s terrible and should never be forgiven… but he can’t.

“I… I never consider that…” he admits, feeling something akin to shame or embarrassment burning inside him.

She hums, tucking a stray hair behind her ear, “You have a terrible habit of blaming yourselves for things.” she says, “You’re not a burden to me, Alucard, you’re family. So stop being stubborn and hiding things, I want to help you, you angsty bat.”

 

He can’t help but laugh between his cries as he finally returns the embrace. Though the feeling of guilt and thoughts of “What if?” still linger in his heart, he knows that this is at least a start.

 

Because when he finally turns in for the night, the heaviness in his chest is just a bit lighter.

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to my friends Jay and Cel for not questioning me when I asked "How would you describe Trevor's lips?"  
> (also i have no excuse... i just wanted to write pain)


End file.
